Dating Profile…

Due to my good fortune in meeting the mother of my children twenty three years ago, I missed out on the dating website phenomenon.

However, as the wife is likely to realise she’s far too good for me any day now and kick me into touch, I’ve decided to get ahead of the game and write a dating profile.

Can’t see me being single for long… 👍 In your face Adele (not really).

---

One not very careful owner. Missed a few services down the years and a lot of my parts are hanging by a thread.

The arm that transfers cans of Carlsberg Special Brew to my mouth still works perfectly though. I can also balance a pork pie on my head and make it look easy, which it definitely isn’t.

I'm certainly not a spring chicken. An autumn chicken would be more accurate. In fact, I'm more of a scraggly hen whose laying days are long gone.

I have also been likened to the back end of a bus. To be honest, I’ll take that.

I do have a few hobbies. I enjoy lying down, grinding my teeth, and ignoring the cat.

Things I don’t enjoy include talking about feelings, showing affection, and asking how someone’s day went.

Would like to meet a girl who's not remotely like-minded. They must have their own house, as I lost mine the other week in a game of cards.

It would be helpful if you have a pilot’s licence as there is a small chance (when I say small, I mean the big kind of small) that we may need to leave the country at short notice.

I'm an even newer man than the old new man in that I don't believe in equality of the sexes.

It's far better that we're really clear from the outset on the division of responsibilities in the relationship. I do nothing, while you do everything. Apart from operating the television remote, I’ll do that.

I was married once, but she left me after I accidentally tried it on with her mother.

And her sister.

And her best friend.

And her hairdresser.

And someone she once said hello to in a shop.

And someone she once ignored in a shop.

And the shopkeeper.

And the sweet counter, although I was on drugs at the time and thought the sherbet dips were Marilyn Monroe.

Please don't be offended if I don't get back to you following your application.

Although I will obviously have a lot of interest in this profile, it will most likely be because the authorities have finally discovered the bodies I buried in my old back garden.

I do have a plan to access a burner phone whilst in prison, so I will get back to you eventually.

Please have your credit card details handy.

Get swiping. Don’t miss your chance at finding true love ❤️.

---

Please share so that nobody ever looks twice at that clown 🤡 I’ve had the misfortune to share my life with. He may be a clown, but he’s my clown.

Love The Wife.

You can subscribe/upgrade by clicking the button below.

Or if you’d prefer to make a ‘one off’ donation you can do that as well.